Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
