i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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