put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
