if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
