At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
