i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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