I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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