we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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