WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
