I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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