yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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