I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
