Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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