I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
the raccoons are back...
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