Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
