I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i dont even know how to be here
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
