There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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