My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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