I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
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