my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
