Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Randomize
