My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
