I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
