I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
