Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Swine flu is the new snow day.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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