I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
