my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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