that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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