Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
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