I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
