i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
