broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
