Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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