my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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