Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
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I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
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That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
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