just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
