Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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