sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
