I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
lets start a swedish sibling band together
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
FUCK WHALES
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
