I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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