It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
