Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
