why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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