There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
