she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
