just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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