Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
