I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
