I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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