i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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