Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
