I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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