Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
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i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize