we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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