Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
