Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
