saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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