your parents love me but you hate me
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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