At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
