we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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